Preselection means that women are attracted to men desired by other women. This doesn’t mean you want him to cheat on you. The very thought can fill you with nausea. The reasons for this are many, ranging from the pragmatic to the emotional to the primitive. The monogamous instinct can be strong in you. To explain it to yourself and to your partner, here are some reasons why:

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Your partner being with another woman can attack you to the core of how you think he sees you and the way you see your relationship. You can feel that your position is threatened. Not only that, but it can gnaw at preexisting weaknesses and flaws you may see or suspect in yourself. One classic nightmarish scenario for many women is an accusation of being frigid in comparison to his other woman.What does she have that you do not? Can you be enough for him? Does he care about you? What happened? You may feel used and cheap.You wanted to be enough for him and to be worth committing to, monogamously.

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You may be a romantic who believes you have found your soulmate. Both of you are in love; there is this expectation that you will always be enough for each other. With this expectation, his perfidy is incomprehensible in its nature and particularly devastating.

The above is a quick tour of why cheating might not be acceptable. If you cannot take this all into consideration for your current partner, leave him or her toute suite: you do not care enough. Seeing the above, you can understand why more than one woman is only practically acceptable under very limited circumstances, which will be covered in a future post. Ladies and gentlemen, as always, feel free to input and vehemently disagree to further clarify all this and balance it against real-life experiences.

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One reason for HIV’s prevalence in parts of Africa can be attributed to non-monogamous behaviour on the part of their men. Preventing transmission of sexual diseases can explain a distaste for cheating on a visceral level. While these diseases may not kill you, most have an effect on infertility. Before the era of condoms, sexual exclusivity and marrying as virgins was the only method of effectively preventing STDS.

There is no guarantee of his judgement about The Other Woman. She is an unknown force that cannot be controlled. Here, an example of one of the many things that can be hidden from your partner: Don’t assume that you need to be faithful to him. A lot of women are used to the idea that fidelity is a trait to be valued, and a lot of men think it’s something they deserve even if it’s strictly one-sided. This is obviously something which could cause problems in your dealings with him, and if you can manage to keep any other lovers a secret you should do so. Of all people in the world, the man who takes a mistress has no right to expect exclusivity.

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While there may be less risk of a man becoming emotionally involved with external liaisons, that risk still remains. The cost of this happening is high. This is especially true should The Other Woman fall pregnant. This could lead to a lack of emotional involvement with you, either because his emotions are more engaged with her or he simply has much less energy to put into the emotional bond between you and him. In addition to this: the more sexual experience any individual has, the less likely they are to be strongly attached to them due to biological and psychological reasons.

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Attachment to you and your children can be seen as a resource. His time is also another resource. His money is another (see this case on a husband paying palimony to his mistress of twenty years!). Again, a pregnancy is another risk he takes by being with another woman.More often than not, the other woman is expending resources that normally would have been ‘spent’ on you. Thus, she is ‘stealing’ your man and he is ‘cheating’ you out of what you see as yours.

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If him conducting external liasons is disagreeable to you (or the way in which he does), then you may automatically divorce him if you discover he has done so. There is a vast array of evidence that shows the horrifying consequences upon children when their parents divorce.While the label of divorcee may not carry such a stigma these days, you may not want this label and you may not want to feel forced to lose him.

There is immense social pressure and social expectation for engaging in monogamous relationships. This is the model you have been taught and subjected to as the working one. This is the model others will expect you to obey and the one you will most likely want to conform to.[Aside: Hypocritically, this expectation is more severe upon men. You may have internalised these concepts without examining them. A man who cheats is a horrible person and a woman who cheats is a woman with a neglectful partner. A man who is with more than one woman is a shameless debauched degenerate but a woman who manages this nets admiration from the same crowd. A man who is with more than one woman is stealing women that should apparently rightfully be monogamous with another man. This despite it being much more usual for two women to be happier with one man than the opposite combination.]

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Men are less selective the less they invest into a liaison. It may be a matter of convenience or simple variety. It may be that she has a worshipful crush on him already and feeds his ego in a way that he enjoys.As such, the woman he has cheated on you — to simplify — may be fatter, uglier, of a bad reputation, much more dubious character or even older.This leaves you feeling quite disgusted. If he cheats on you, at least she should be seen to be worth it in some way. It also decreases the perception of how attractive he is to your eyes (“really, couldn’t he do any better than that piece of trash?”)His cheating with anyone who you perceive as less attractive than you are decreases his worth on a visceral level to you. On a social level and if his cheating incident is widely publicised, this greatly reduces your perceived social value to those around you. All of these factors may cause you to have to end it with him: remaining with him makes you unable to respect yourself, respect him and those around you unable to respect either of you, if they know.

You may be together on the implicit or explicit understanding that you share the same religious beliefs. His infedility could bring this into serious question as well as other issues.